Fab Fridays 80- The Psychology of Screens — Fab Fridays 80- The Psychology of Screens⁠↗

In school, everything is planned for kids with strict rules. They’re constantly being evaluated and directed. They’re told what to do, what to think, and even what to wear! One survey found that the average kid has to follow twice as many restrictions as an active-duty Marine and an incarcerated felon. By contrast, kids have tons of freedom online. They have the autonomy to make choices (like what and who to play with), dive deep into what interests them, and make decisions of their own (like what their avatar should look like.) They experience a lot less adult control and surveillance.

On the internet, kids can learn anything they want! Many turn to video games, which are specifically designed to give us a sense of competency and progression. Kids get the experience of having to teach themselves something new, and this provokes a positive feeling about themselves and their abilities to learn on their own.

One of the main reasons why parents send their kids to school is so they socialize with other kids. Unfortunately, socializing isn’t happening as much as it used to in schools. Packed schedules, extensive curriculums, and adult-led activities leave little room for kids to play and connect with others. If kids can’t get it in school, they’ll find it online—and the internet is perfect for finding “your people.” It’s like a huge playground, where kids can join niche communities and connect over their shared interests. Most importantly, it’s the perfect way to build friendships through free play. Kids can spend hours diving into games together and solving interesting problems with friends from around the world.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of laying down rules without giving any good reasons. That’s a quick way to frustrate kids! Instead, start a conversation together about technology, its benefits, and its costs. The goal is for kids to learn how to cope with overuse on their own so that they do what’s good for them when we’re not around.

Say things like, “I’ve noticed I waste a lot of time on Instagram in the morning. When I wake up, I’m going to read a book instead of immediately grabbing my phone.” Model the proper use of technology. Vulnerability builds trust.

Don’t make more rules that limit kids’ autonomy. Instead, create boundaries for screen time together in a collaborative way. Make sure your interest in their online activity isn’t purely negative. Spend time with them online, take interest in what they enjoy, and learn to value what they value before you encourage limits.

Give kids the chance to enjoy agency, competency, and relatedness offline as well as online. Limit adult-led activities. Give them lots of free time, let them explore many hobbies, and organize plenty of playdates with friends.

When your kids do spend time online, encourage them to learn, make, socialize, and create. The goal is less Coco Mellon and more Endless Reader; fewer cat videos and more time learning to code; less time watching Tiktoks and more time creating them.

Make sure that when you do ask your kids to say “no” to their screens, they’re saying “yes” to something even better. Make family time so fulfilling and engaging, your kids won’t miss their phones.